Maybe This'll Purge My System

Amethyst | 4/14/2008 3:03 am | Game On

I wish I could say the reason I don't know what to write today is because I've been distracted by the internet, namely this captivating site, but it's not true. As fascinating as clicking through to the previous day's "Big Thing" is, I was merely procrastinating because I can't think of anything to write. That's also not true. I know what I usually want to write when I draw a blank. So far I've worked myself away from the topic. Today, I won't.

Sometimes I worry it's ridiculous I'm writing for a gaming blog. I'm not like either of the well-represented women-occupied camps featured in gaming publications. I don't have the desire to prove that being a girl isn't a hindrance to gaming, despite several experiences telling me that for many there is still a need for proof. Nor can I ignore the inequalities in gaming culture, users' experiences, the games and market by blaming it on the oversensitive female that doesn't get gaming.

As aware as I like to think myself, I'm stunned at the mild sense of shame when I mention some of the games I easily play. Surprising to me, they're not the games that are demonized from the pulpits or inside the capital buildings. The games I'm talking about are the games that are reported in the same tone as a thankful paternal voice, glad that his daughter opened the fridge and discovered caffeine when she could have found the alcohol cabinet in his office. The reports say: *gasp* Women play games but *phew* they are playing puzzle and social internet games. After all, real games and real gamers can be dangerous. And, womenfolk aren't. Unless it's that time of the month. har-har.

The fear comes in because I speak to a primarily male driven market (yes, probably three of our four readers are male) and I fear identifying myself as someone to be discounted, or worse ignored by mentioning these non-gamer-games. But I also hesitate because I'm starting to believe it. It sank in and instead of brushing it off, it snagged and now I discount my top scores in Tetris Attack and Scrabulous or my place in an MMORPG-party. One side of me staunchly believes that a person who games is a gamer whether or not they are a boy or a girl, while the other side of me is afraid that I'll expose myself as a sub par gamer.

I wanted to join GameOn because I love to play games. But the reason I did and continue to post even when I have to struggle through writer's block and my own self-doubt, even with moments of fear, disgust and uncertainty, confused about where I stand amongst gamers- many of whom whether they know it or not, are critical of a woman playing their games, and as a woman witness a large male-dominated industry which under-represents and insults women, is because I'm a part of a third group of women who don't want to have to say "woman gamer". We just want to say "gamer" and be done with it.

P.S. While I'm on the topic, there's an often self-appointed name for female gamers. It's "Grrrl Gamer" and sadly it's usually paired up with a hyper-sexualized cover-up-the-illegal-bits-with-game-controllers-photo. I can't think of a more kitten-hissing, foot-stomping, respect-me-dammit! name. Unless we're talking another easy to market, de-fanged feminist Grrrl-name. (I'm looking at you, Grrrl Power.)

P.P.S. I finished Puzzle Quest on the DS, haven't picked up Oblivion since that post where I said I was close to finishing, and have racked up at least a days' worth of hours in Final Fantasy XI on the weekends.

P.P.P.S. 101 free games 2008 (via 1UP). All, except one, were new to me. Several looked promising. Out of 101, there's bound to be something that will meet your fancy.

blog entry tag reference

culture | final fantasy XI | gaming | mmorpg | online | people

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