In a rare moment of transparency, the Wisconsin State Journal today releases a transcript of the job interview between Editor Ellen Foley and Ridley, mascot of the features section. Editors learned that Ridley was being recruited for another job and in order to keep him, they offered him the opportunity to write an advice mini-column.

Editors will announce Jan. 7 if Ridley got the job or if he plans to leave for another metropolis. Your comments, which can be posted below, will be seriously considered by editors as they make this hire. 

Editors believe Ridley would like to stay at the State Journal because he wore his piano keyboard tie, typed his resume and learned how to smile for this career-changing interview.

Ellen Foley: Hello, Ridley. I understand you want a new role at the State Journal. What is your dream job here?

Ridley: Yours. Dopey jokes, odd digressions, unpredictable outbursts, daily changes in mood and appearance. I'm all over that.

Ellen: What was wrong with the old job, beside the fact that you ripped off the idea from the Portland newspaper?

Ridley: Where is Portland? Is that the place with all the trolleys? You must be confusing me with the mayor. Plus "ripped off" sounds more harsh than the reality of it.

Ellen: I didn't see a resume. What experience do you have? Were you in another comic strip at one time? Perhaps an episode of South Park? A decal on a windshield? Anything?

Ridley: I've appeared in your paper approximately 1,276 times. I may be two-dimensional but don't lump me in with mere comics or talking pictures. I have never had a thought balloon in my life. I'm unique. Like ... Teddywedgers.

Ellen: I understand you want to give people advice. What qualifies you for that kind of work? Does Susan Lampert Smith know you are applying for a columnist slot?

Ridley: How hard can it be? "Reader: I've got a problem." "Me: Get counseling." "You: Here's your paycheck." Everybody's happy. And don't get me started on Smith.

Ellen: This new job involves a deep understanding of the Madison psyche. Can you give me an example of your profound knowledge of our area or perhaps a tactic on how you will get to know us better.

Ridley: Three words: Alternate side parking. What else is there to know?

Ellen: We are interested in staff members who are team players. Can you tell me about a time in which you made your work team more effective?

Ridley: I've done whatever you asked. Ridley with a shoe. Ridley as Big Mouth Billy Bass. Ridley gagging on nut-covered cheese balls. And still I wonder, where's the love? I know there's no 'i' in team; I also know there is a 'me'.

Ellen: Where did you get that name? Do you have a last name, umm, for my files here?

Ridley: Ridley is what Ridley is. Think Prince. Madonna. Eminem. Einstein.

Ellen: Have you read all the HR policy manuals and the benefits materials? Do you have any questions that I can answer for you?

Ridley:  Wait, there are benefits? . . . Wait, there are POLICIES!?

Ellen: Have you had drinks with Melanie Conklin?

Ridley: Um, I really need to go... need to inject some dopiness into a dopey joke... Thanks, though. Good talk.