As brilliant as swimmer Michael Phelps was in Beijing, he merely pulled even with Madisonian speed skater Eric Heiden into the No. 2 spot on the list of all-time epic Olympic performances by an American.

At 21, Heiden needed a more diverse sense of focus to win gold medals at 500, 1,000, 1,500, 5,000 and 10,000 meters in the 1980 Winter Games in Lake Placid. He also had a higher degree of difficulty -- having to beat world record-holders at the two shortest distances -- and unlike Phelps, who utilized the controversial LZR Speedo swim suit, Heiden had no technological aces up his sleeve.

At 23, Phelps had to deal with more expectations and distractions while winning five individual golds and a record eight overall in China, breaking the mark set by Mark Spitz in 1972. Phelps also set seven world records and swam a personal best in all eight races.

As far as stamina goes, call it a push. Heiden covered those ultra-demanding distances over the course of 10 days, while Phelps swam 17 races in different disciplines in nine days.

The biggest edge for Phelps was in how he became the face of the Games, handling the crush of international attention with aplomb. Not only was Heiden overshadowed by the "Miracle on Ice" performance by the U.S. men's hockey team, he was routinely shielded from the spotlight's glare by micromanaging agent Art Kaminsky.

No. 1 on all-time list? In full view of Adolph Hitler and his racist ideals, Jesse Owens winning four gold medals in 1936 in Berlin.

By essentially jogging to the gold medal and a world record time of 9.69 seconds in the 100 meters, Usain Bolt deprived a generation of its own Bob Beamon-like moment. If Bolt runs all-out, a time in the 9.5 range would have invoked images of Beamon pushing the long jump envelope nearly 2 feet in Mexico City in 1968.

If Bolt is drug-free, great. But the words of BALCO mastermind Victor Conte, anything under 9.8 should be regarded as "suspicious."

Synchronized diving? Trampoline? Bela Karolyi turning up his nose at the idea of young girls as dominant world-class gymnasts, this after he sicced 14-year-old Nadia Comaneci on the 1976 Summer Games? The only Olympic reality more laughable are those multi-colored basketballs.

Even if that guarantee from LeBron James fails to hold up -- the one about the U.S. reclaiming the gold medal in men's basketball -- members of Team USA should be commended for behaving as likeable ambassadors instead of arrogant jerks.

The biggest joke from Beijing: The International Olympic Committee failing to press the Chinese on using gymnasts under the age of 16.

The worst joke from Beijing: Men's basketball team members from Spain slanting their eyes as a "tribute" to their hosts.